This isn't unusual
by UnwantedAlone
Summary: Harry potter is in a position like no other, so he deals with things like no other. TW: Self harm, depression, suicidal ideation possibly. !slash themes.
1. Why me

Hey! Just a disclaimer, these characters and the Harry Potter series all belong to JK Rowling, but the story is made by me. If you don't like depressing themes and such, perhaps this isn't for you. This might be a Draco/Harry slash but I'm not sure. Also, this is during HBP and some things will be altered to fit the story. Here's the first chapter! If you like it please review it/fav it, I so so so appreciate it. More soon!

* * *

Harry Potter. The golden boy. Why was he constantly depressed, afraid, and angry at the world? He was born into a world where everyone he loves is being pursued by a mad man out for his blood and he's the only one who can stop him. _Worthless. I have no idea what I'm doing. Why me? _These thoughts plague him every second of every day. _Why couldn't it have been Longbottom? _He didn't really want it to be Neville, he was a good person, but wasn't Harry as well?

Finally, he made it to sixth year. He really didn't think he would be able to get this far, being in constant fear for his life and the fate of the world. The summer at the Dursley's certainly didn't help, the dementor incident made Dudley and his pack even more hostile. Grieving over Sirius' death didn't even seem to faze their unending torment.

Finally it was nearing the day to go back to Hogwarts, and he couldn't be more relieved. Just two days ago he had gotten a letter while he was weeding the garden that Dumbledore would be picking him up early, and that they had some business to attend. He scooted to the edge of his small, old bed. His side let out a stab of pain, and he took it in with a shallow breath. Just last week he'd gotten a firm elbow from Dudley when he was eating dinner because he didn't like the potatoes Harry made. He forgot to use any butter or oil on them so it must have disagreed with his stomach. The jab formed a surprisingly large blue-green bruise rather quickly like he'd been kicked in his ribs. _Maybe Dudley had a future career as a heavyweight champion, _he thought with a sneer.

He sighed, and pulled back his sleeve to look down at his forearm. _"I must not tell lies"_ he repeated with a grimace. _What a joke. _He popped open his trunk. Immediately a flash of silver caught his eye. He'd gotten the idea a while after he was forced to use the bloodquill to remove the scarring with magic, but no matter which spells he tried, they wouldn't let up. They did lighten a bit, which was exciting but they never would erase. Snape even tried a few different ones on him but they did no more than what Harry could achieve. His breath picked up and he started to get a cold sweat. Was he really thinking about doing this? It came up a few times in the back of his mind but he never thought he would really do it. _What, it isn't like I'm trying to hurt myself. _He let out a breath. Yeah, okay, he'd do it once and it would be over, no big deal. He grabbed his potion's knife, which was a family heirloom, and a tang of worry hit him again. He prayed that his dad couldn't see him in this state. Harry admired the detailing on the handle and looked down at the words that marred his arm. He could do this. His heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest. _Does this make me one of 'those' people? _ He shook his head, he was doing this cause he was already robbed of having a normal life. His reflection was distorted in the blade, almost as if it were showing him what he looked like inside. He gathered his courage and brought down the sharp edge to the words on his arm, and he went in. Harry was so tuned in to slicing up each letter, as if every bad thing was suddenly off of his mind. Each letter was sliced in half, and he had at least a hundred cuts on his arm, and to his surprise, the stinging brought him some kind of peace.

* * *

Dumbledore was arriving today, Sunday. He was excited, but also nervous. What business will he need to attend? He wore a long sleeve as to avoid using a glamour. He was certain that the old wizard would be able to sense it, after all, he himself saw magical auras. Just as he thought that, he heard a rap on the door. He quickly rushed his trunk over to the door and opened it, Vernon yelling for him to do so already. The jolly wizard had a sparkle in his eye, that wasn't good. Harry instinctively put up mental wards when he felt a slight peering sensation. Dumbledore raised one eyebrow slightly but also seemed to fill with pride. This was how that usually went so it wasn't anything new. Harry told his relatives that he was leaving and they gave next to no acknowledgment, which was all that he could hope for. Swiftly picking up his trunk, Dumbledor apparated them from the dursley's living room, careful not to be in the line of sight. They arrived at an odd place.

"Harry, this is the temporary shelter of Horace Slughorn. I was hoping we could convince him to come back to Hogwarts to teach." Why couldn't the old man just tell him about this stuff? Harry internally rolled his eyes. Of course he wanted the 'boy who lived' to convince a teacher to come back. He did want Slughorn back but it was a little ridiculous.

"Horace!" Dumbledore called out. They must have been in the man's living room. Professor Slughorn let out an inaudible phrase and soon came into the room they were in.

"Albus. What are you doing here? I've told you I'm not coming back. Why do you have Harry with you? Would you both like some tea?" The man rambled on.

"My, it's absolutely filthy in here!" Dumbledore reprimanded. "Yes, we're here because we need you at Hogwarts. Time is ticking and we cannot find anyone more... qualified." Dumbledore said, looking at the papers scattered across the floor.

"Oh Albus, it's nothing a little bit of magic won't fix!" Slughorn said while flicking his wand and mumbling, obviously used to Albus' scorn. "And you have my answer. I'm not returning, I'm retired and it just isn't safe anymore! I'd be happy to teach Harry everything I know, but there is no need for me to be at Hogwarts." The man said, obviously cornered.

"You'd be happy to teach Harry but not the hundreds of students in need of your advice at Hogwarts?" Dumbledore shot back.

"Obviously, your students need someone other than an ex potion's master to teach them how to defend themselves, Albus."

"But we have no one else!" They went back and forth and Harry watched as they both made good counter points. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"I think that if you're willing to teach me, then you should be for every other Howgwarts student." Harry said, ending their rants. Slughorn's expression softened, and Albus looked like he'd won a debate.

"Okay, Harry. If you really think that you need me there, I'll help in any way I can. Your mother was one of my favourite students." Horace placed a hand on the boy's shoulder, following the sentimental statement. Harry gave him a small smile. "Would you all still like some tea?"

"Unless we can take it to go, I'm afraid not." Albus said, still smug over his victory. "School starts the same as always, September 1st. You're welcome to be there any time before then to collect yourself and look at the new curriculum." Slughorn nodded. "Oh, and Horace? Thank you." The professor smiled at the two of them, and Albus apparated himself and harry to the Burrow. Albus dropped Harry off and gave him a few words of wisdom, before leaving to Hogwarts. Harry took his trunk to the door and knocked, pleasantly surprised to see that Hermione was already there. They had a great lunch and told stories over dinner, and everything felt carefree for a while. Harry did make sure to place a glamour on his arm just in case he were to accidentally expose his shameful deed. He slept in Ron's room and dreamt of talking to his parents. He woke up with a single tear rolling down his cheek, but he didn't feel sad.

* * *

In the morning they got the news that Harry barely passed his O.W.L's and now he was even more stressed out that he had even harder exams to pass this year. That was the least of his worries, though. He felt a deep worry set in again, and itched for something to relieve it. His arm started to scab up, and when he saw it without the glamour, he was a little sick to his stomach. At least it did what was intended, and the words didn't magically connect again over the forming scars. Although it was sickening, he found it interesting to look at. He just sat and stared at his arm in the bathroom. Looking at it turned to picking and they started to bleed again. He aimed a quick scourgify at it and covered it up again with his glamour feeling more sick that he was like this.

The next day, Ron, Hermione, and Harry decided to go to Knockturn alley. Harry needed a few school supplies and Hermione loved to look at all the assortments of books, so they decided they'd take a quick trip. The trio walked around, keeping a low profile, when Harry saw platinum blonde hair peek out from within the crowd.

"I think I just saw Malfoy." Harry muttered.

"Well? Should we tail him?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged, it's not like he was there for anything other than what they were there for, but something compelled him.

"He went this way." Harry gestured to the right. They follow him to the Borgin and Burkes, to which they find the boy is simply buying some things for the upcoming school year. They slide out of the store without being noticed.

"There are a lot of prohibited things in that store." Ron said. "Nothing good is coming out of that." Ron said suspiciously. Harry had a gut feeling that something wasn't right.

They got their materials after stopping at Diagon Alley and went back to the burrow for the night. The next day they woke up early to have breakfast so they could be a 9 & 3/4 on time. Before Harry knew it, they were on their way to Hogwarts.


	2. Learning

Chapter 2 hope you all like it!

When they boarded the train, a flash of the blonde locks reminded him of the other day. A sinking feeling overcame him, and he knew something had to be going on. If there really wasn't anything up with Malfoy, I would be best to find out sooner than later.

They got into their compartment and shut the door. Quickly, Harry cast a muffliato charm and his friends cocked their eyebrows.

"Guys, I don't know what's up but remember Malfoy yesterday? I know this is crazy, but what if he's been contacted by the dark lord?" His friends looked less worried and more pitiful.

"Look, Harry I know this is a hard time for you but his family isn't exactly... light. So it makes sense that he's in a dark arts store." Ron said. Hermione nodded. _Oh great. Even Hermione agrees with Ron. _

"I'm telling you. I feel like something isn't right here. Remember when you guys didn't believe me before? About Voldemort's return?" Harry says with increasing volume. The two look down in shame.

"Okay, Harry. If you're right, why don't you at least find out?" Hermione chirps up. _Why must I do everything?_ Harry thought, half-wanting them to help him with the task. He sat and tried to think of a way to find out this information. Then it hit him. He left the compartment mumbling that he was going to find out. He snuck his way to his trunk, careful not to let anyone see him and he grabbed his cloak of invisibility. Quickly, he threw it over himself, and having seen where Draco's compartment was, he crouched outside and waited for the trolly of goodies to come around. When his compartment opened, he snuck in at the last moment on a surge of adrenaline.

"-and so my father says I can be a death eater and earn my rank. Insane right? I can't believe the dark lord touched my face and said I was the key to winning the war. Can't believe it's that easy that all I have to do is kill an old man." Draco bragged to his fellow Slytherins, trying to seem nonchalant but giving away that he was petrified. Harry nearly gasped. _He must be talking about Dumbledore. This is worse than I thought. _

"Wow, and he touched your face while saying that? I'd shit myself if he did that." Blaise remarked, shivering.

"Eloquent, Zabini. I'm sure you'd be a mighty fine death eater." Draco said, checking his nails. Harry felt a sneeze coming on and had a mini heart attack. Maybe he should have dusted off his cloak. He pinched his nose so hard he thought it might fall off, and luckily his efforts were not in vain.

"Do you even have the balls to do it though? I mean, the man has been nothing but kind." Pansy chimed in. Draco rolled his eyes.

"Must you, Parkinson? Don't you think I'm having a hard enough time with it already?" For once, Draco actually looked vulnerable, but then pretended to faint dramatically. Harry had a feeling that he really did have a hard time with this despite his facade.

"Good riddance." said Goyle. "He give me the creeps." _Probably the occlumency, _Harry thought. Suddenly, the train slowed and Harry slipped and banged his foot slightly on the back of the booth. Draco picked up on that. He narrowed his eyes around the room, as if he could see the perpetrator.

"Is someone in our compartment?" He warily asked. They chuckled but Draco was still on guard.

"Obviously someone is in our compartment. Us?" Pansy said matter of factly. Vincent and Gregory laughed.

"No. I have a keen sense of hearing, Pansy. Someone else is in here." Blaise gulped and the rest of them looked like they still weren't on board. They all looked to the empty spots and reached out. Greg hit Harry on the side and he yelped in pain. His location had been given away.

the cloak slowly slid down and everyone's eyes widened in surprise. Harry sheepishly smiled and ducked his head in embarrassment and fear. Draco blushed profusely, realizing what he had just heard.

"How long have you been in here, Potter!?" Draco exclaimed. Harry Turned multiple shades of red.

"Only long enough to h-hear th-that you're a death eater! congrats? I saw you at the dark arts store and just-" Harry was cut off.

"POTTER I DON'T CARE! How did you even get in here? MY FATHER WILL HEAR OF THIS!" Draco was flushed and obviously more angry than embarrassed now. Harry closed his eyes as he was hit with a stupefy and a fist connected with his nose, possibly breaking it in the process. He didn't have time to evaluate if it was, though, because he was already unconscious.

"Where's Harry?" Hermione asked as they left their compartment. Ron shrugged.

"He's probably already at the ceremony. I think he's mad at us anyway." Ron guessed. Hermione nodded and shook off the feeling of worry. They left the train.

Harry woke up groggier than ever, in a really uncomfortable position. The last thing he remembered was Draco stunning him and punching him in the face, which hurt severely right about now. He started to get frantic as he came to, realizing that he needed to be at the ceremony right now, and the train might leave before he can get the chance to get off.

"Help me! Please! Help! I'm stuck! Help!" Harry cried. He almost started to cry. _Why did I get myself into this. Oh God, what if they took my cloak! _Harry was desperate, screaming, crying, jiggling around. Finally, he heard the lock on the trunk being unlatched and he jumped out. He was breathing so hard he had to catch his breath. Finally, he turned and looked at his rescuer. It was Tonks.

"Oh thank you." He hugged the woman, shivering in her arms. He couldn't stop saying thank you to the woman, obviously traumatized. He hated small spaces. It was like being in the cupboard but a million times worse.

"You better get going." said Nymphadora. Before Harry left, she grabbed his arm.

"Who did this to you?" She asked with concern. Harry was touched but really needed to get going.

"Malfoy, but it's actually my fault. Don't worry I really did start it. Thank you though." Harry told her. She looked slightly relieved. Harry shrunk his trunk, put it in is pocket, and ran to the compartment Draco was in. He felt around the floor and the booths and eventually found the invisible fabric, and it was like a weight lifted off his shoulders. He ran to the entrance and made his way to the Grand Hall for the opening feast.

He made just in time. He found his friends who were looking all around for him, and took a seat beside them.

"Harry, Harry where were you?" Hermione asked first.

"We thought you were here, mate." Ron said with a look of sorriness.

"Guys, I found out something... something big. We need to talk about it later." Harry looked over his shoulder at Draco,and the blonde's icy eyes pierced his soul. He shivered. He wanted an escape to all of this. He wanted to not be the one responsible for everyone's lives, but everyone keeps telling him he's the only one that can do it. Obviously, he can't. He couldn't save Sirius, he couldn't save Cedric. And something about this is telling him he won't be able to do it this time either.

They watched as the first years got sorted. People cheered when someone got into their house. Harry, though, was too consumed by this to get involved. His friends looked worried for him. How could these people cheer when no one was safe in any house? He wanted to leave. He wanted to stop all of this. He wanted to end it. End his suffering. He knew he couldn't, because he needed to save the day, but, he thought, maybe that's too much for him. It's been too much for him this whole time, but he has to keep failing, over, and over again. He looked back at the blonde, deep sadness apparent in his eyes. Draco, for a second, faltered. Soon, however, he put back on his arrogant facade and looked away, crossing his arms. Harry felt hopeless, defeated.

They had their feast and Harry barely touched his food, pushing what helpings he took around on the plate, having a few bites of the potatoes and peas absent mindedly.

"Mate, we gotta talk about this... is it like last time?" Ron asked Harry. He nodded, pushing around the mess on his plate further.

"Let's go to the room of requirements." Hermione suggested. Harry mumbled an ok, and the three left and once. Draco, having seen there mysterious departure, made the impulsive decision to trail them. He followed them to a wall which they paced in front of while mumbling and suddenly, there was a door. Draco's eyebrows raised and he was admittedly impressed. He watched them go inside and he wasn't fool enough to follow them inside the hidden room. Instead, he cast a quick sonorus, and he could hear muffled voices from within.

"-that git! Of course he's in on it. I'm so sorry we didn't believe you, Harry." An angry Hermione said. Harry said nothing, obviously used to it. Draco scoffed. So, Harry knew all about this. Draco needed to see Snape at once.


	3. Classes

Sorry this is taking so long! I'm sure this will be done in no time. Hopefully there will be some action you all appreciate in this one! On with the show.

* * *

"Looks like Snape's our new DADA teacher." Seamus said, sitting crossed legged on his bed, already dressed in his robes and looking at his schedule.

"All of our classes are going to be together. This is gonna be a good year, mate!" Ron said, comparing his schedule to Seamus'. Harry had a fleeting feeling that it wasn't going to be a good year, despite wanting it to.

"What's got you in a mood, Harry?" Neville asked. Harry had his eyes closed with his head down, but promptly raised his head to give Neville a small smile. Ron picked up on what could be wrong and gave a sympathetic smile back. A silence overcame the room for a brief moment.

"I-is it... you-know-who?" Neville sheepishly asked. Harry felt that it was nice all his friends cared so much, but they couldn't possibly know what it meant for him inside. Harry nodded after a moment. Neville started to go pale, out of all the people, he would handle it worse than Harry if he were the 'chosen one' so he was probably counting his blessings. Harry quickly threw on his robes and they headed to their charms class.

"Class, today we shall begin with a dangerous spell if used incorrectly! So, watch carefully, my students!" Professor Flitwick exclaimed.

"How could anything you teach us possibly be dangerous, Flitwick." One of the Ravenclaws snickered in the back. He had a fair point.

"You should listen or I will have to deduct house points!" The professor warned, obviously never really going to do so. "Today, we will be turning vinegar into wine!" He cheered on. The students picked up, obviously wanting to learn that little trick. Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, Hermione?" Flitwick was glad one of his favourite students had a question, usually she was the only one to have one for any teacher anyway.

"Professor, how is this not a transfiguration spell?" Hermione asked smartly.

"Ah, dear Granger, what a fine question. Vinegar is a fermented wine, so, what we're doing here is reverting it back into one of its forms!" Flitwick replied. Hermione was satisfied with the answer and eager to try the spell. Harry and Ron were bantering over who would get a spot as the keeper on the Quidditch team, Ron or McLaggen.

"That oaf couldn't catch a quaffle if his life depended on it!" Ron remarked.

"But, I bet he'd beat off a bludger more times than his life depended on." Harry retorted, implying that Ron could get himself killed. Ron frowned at the thought.

"Okay, maybe I'll reconsider. It's just that every year my brothers have been boasting how they get the ladies when they're Quidditch players." Ron whispered to Harry, looking over his shoulder at Hermione. "I thought maybe... Since she keeps ignoring me when I make a move..." He looked back at Hermione again who was lost in thought in her studies. "Maybe I could make her jealous."

Harry sighed. "Ron, you shouldn't be a Quidditch player for that reason. You need to want the spot on the team. Anyway, I'm going to be judging the performances for the tryouts. If you really want to be on the team, you should start practicing." Harry told him. Ron didn't look defeated, instead, he swelled with confidence.

"I will, Harry. I'll be the best keeper and I'll make my brothers proud." Ron remarked. Harry chuckled, Ron could be a big goof sometimes.

"Okay class, I've given you enough time to look over the material. Let's get started on trying this charm!" Flitwick told the class. Harry and Ron slid back in their chairs. They'd been talking the whole time.

"Okay, Granger, you first!" Hermione stood up and poured some vinegar in the flask in front of her. She pointed her wand at the flask and mumbled the incantation, and slowly but surely, the vinegar turned a deep red. Flitwick picked it up, sniffed it, and took a swig.

"Well done miss Granger! Your first attempt! My- that's some good stuff! Let's see if anyone else can achieve such a feat." Hermione flushed slightly, proud of herself. All around the room, one by one, either the flasks turned to ice, or they fizzled, and even some exploded with a loud pop. One Ravenclaw girl got close, but hers then turned into a bubbling liquid. Flitwick told her that with some practice, she would be at Hermione's level in no time and she perked right up. It was Ron's turn and he stood up nervously, looking from the page, back to the flask.

"Go on then, Mr. Weasley." Flitwick encouraged. Ron poured some vinegar into the flask and pointed his wand shakily. "Don't be so nervous." He told Ron. Ron collected a breath, and pointed firmly at the flask, perhaps too firmly this time, and as he began the incantation, the flask shattered. Flitwick cleaned up the mess and Ron sat down and put his head in his arms. Harry gulped, it was now his turn and he only read over the incantation once. He stood and filled the flask with vinegar, pointing his wand carefully at it. He mumbled the words 'reversum vinum' calmly and the vinegar began to foam a bit, before turning dark. Harry was surprised that it did anything besides explode, and Flitwick looked impressed. He examined the flask.

"A bit... foamy." He sniffed the flask. "But it definitely smells like wine." He took a small sip and coughed. "That's a bit strong!" He said, putting it back down in front of the boy. Half of the room was annoyed that only Gryffindors had success with it. The one Ravenclaw girl who got close wasn't bothered, and smiled at Harry's try. Hermione did a small clap for Harry, even though her result was far better.

"Don't forget to scourgify your flasks, class!" Flitwick said as everyone started to pack up.

"We have defense against the dark arts now." Ron said to their little group. Seamus groaned.

"Never thought I'd be this bummed since we had Professor Umbridge as our DADA teacher" Seamus remarked. Harry went pale and gulped, for most a normal reaction. Ron placed a hand on his shoulder apologetically. Harry shook it off, it isn't like they could guess what he'd been going through, so he thought he'd just pretend to be normal. He smiled at Ron and they left for their next class. On their way, they discussed their course of action.

* * *

"When should I talk to Dumbledore?" Harry asked Ron and Hermione.

"Maybe you can ask Snape to tell Dumbledore you have some news." Ron suggested. Harry nodded, that seemed reasonable.

"I'll stay after class if you guys want to as well." Harry told them. they both gave a quick nod of approval.

Behind them, Draco and his group were walking to transfigurations and he overheard Harry. He wondered why he was going to talk to his Godfather after class. None of this was making sense to him, he felt like he was being used in all of this. He wondered if this feeling was anything like what Harry must feel all the time. He shook off his sympathy, Harry probably feels like a goddamn hero all the time. He sighed, was he on the right side of this? He went back to pretending to listen to his friends, all the while looking after the boy.


End file.
